What triggers a woman to desire a man?
For us men, attraction usually is a sufficient condition for desire. We don't need to connect with a woman to want her sexually. We see a pretty face, an hourglass body, youthful features, and that’s all we need.
This doesn't happen to women. While being a good-looking man is certainly helpful, it generally isn't a trigger for desire.
So, is there an identifiable trigger?
I believe so.
In my post about the female desire equation, I explain that attraction, connection, and horniness are the three necessary conditions for female sexual desire.
The attractiveness and horniness parts of the equation have been widely discussed in the dating communities. But not so much focus has been put on connection.
Weirdly enough, romantic movies (whose main target is women) put most of their focus on developing the connection between the characters, not on the attractiveness of the man or the horniness of the woman. The plot centers on the characters having one or several of what I call a romantic experience.
What's a romantic experience, you ask? Here's my definition:
It is a shared experience with the following qualities (from least to most important):
Beautiful: There's an aesthetic element that permeates the entire experience. Watching the sunset at the beach creates a different feeling than eating at a McDonald's. The beauty doesn't need to be visual, it could be listening to a song or eating a meal you both love.
Rare: There's a sense that something extraordinary has happened. It's generally a novel experience in one or more ways. At the very least, it's very uncommon.
Connecting: It creates a bond between you two. The more similar to the kind of connection that two lovers would typically have, the better.
For example, in the movie Before Sunrise, the two characters decide to explore Vienna together (beautiful) after talking for just a few minutes on a train (rare). Over the course of the night, they walk the streets, share stories and values, and connect deeply (connecting).
Think of how your past romantic relationships started. I'd bet that in most of them, you had one or several romantic experiences that tied you together.
If I think of my previous situationships, I can certainly pinpoint a few romantic experiences that solidified our bond from early on. Most of them were simply realizing through conversation that we had deep values or core experiences in common, while having a walk under the sunset in a beautiful European city.
For most of us, romantic experiences are insanely rare. That's part of their charm. Later, when thinking about them, they'll feel like we were in a magical state of consciousness.
So, what's the point I'm trying to make?
That it would be pretty great to know how to create these moments on demand. That would give you the ability to engage any woman romantically. Is this even possible?
Sadly, no. As you probably know, there will always be people you just can't connect with. But there are learnable skills that will be very helpful.
My most recent romantic experience happened just a few days ago. I was dancing bachata with a woman, on a wooden stage next to a lake. It was about 100°F, the sun was setting.
I’ve been learning bachata for about six months now, and I’m finally reaching the point where I can stop thinking and simply flow with the music. There were moments when we didn’t even take proper steps: we stayed connected by our bodies, eyes closed, moving together by instinct. It was my first romantic experience dancing bachata, but hopefully far from my last.
Romantic experiences are even more powerful than simple connections. When you have a romantic experience with a woman, you become associated with the experience itself.
It's not that she desires your company because you give her that romantic experience. That would mean she wants you for the impersonal reason that she can extract value from you.
Rather, her feelings about the experience get mixed up with her feelings to you.
In other words: romantic experiences go beyond sexual desire, to actually create romantic desire. They are triggers for a woman to start "feeling it".
I believe this is the major reason why romantic experiences are the triggers for romantic relationships. Women need to feel the sense of magic, at least the first times you two meet, to become emotionally invested.
This is the origin of the fundamental romantic misunderstanding: mistaking attraction to features of the relationship for attraction to the individuals themselves. The two are not the same, but they feel the same.
In the future, I’ll discuss in more detail specific ways of creating romantic experiences. In the meantime, I hope this post was helpful.
— Javi