For most of my life, I didn't really understand how female desire worked. It was a complete black box. I knew some things probably helped, but I had no framework to pinpoint exactly what was missing at any given moment.
That's a bad place to be in. It's where you hear guys say things like: "I'll just get a six-pack, and then all the girls will be all over me." Replace "six-pack" with a million dollars in the bank, or moving to a city packed with baddies, and it's the same thinking.
Plenty of guys end up getting those things, only to realize they're helpers, not triggers.
Without a real understanding of desire, you start seeing dating success as something that just happens to you.
I've had times where dating went great and others where it didn't. Looking back, I couldn't figure out why, and I felt powerless to change whatever romantically unsatisfying situation I was in.
I still don't understand every detail behind the highs and lows in my dating life. But I no longer see female desire as a black box either.
I'm a mathematician, so I love elegant, simple formulas.
When it comes to giving lifestyle advice, there's always a trade-off in specificity.
Fundamental, theoretical advice generalizes well and gives you a deep understanding of the topic, but it's hard to apply in real life.
Specific, practical advice is easy to apply, but it's highly contextual, and often falls apart when applied in circumstances different from the author's.
Also, relying on it creates a state of dependency. The reader never develops a true understanding of the fundamental principles of the skill he's trying to acquire.
Today, I'm leaning toward the fundamental side of the spectrum. Here's one of the simplest and most elegant rules I've found in dating:
female desire = attraction × connection × horniness
In other words, some level of attraction, connection, and predisposition to sex are the necessary conditions for female desire.
Of course, this formula is a generalization. It aims to be an average formula for women in general. Each woman will have her own personal version of it.
In my experience, the variable whose importance differs the most from woman to woman is connection.
I've met women who, during a night out, flat out told me seconds after we met that they were into me.
And I've met others who didn't want to sleep with me even after months in a situationship, simply because we hadn't built a level of connection that felt close enough for them.
The importance of the other two variables can also vary, but they tend to be much more stable. Most women need to find you attractive on some level, and be somewhat predisposed to sex, in order to desire you. And I've never met a woman who needed to be extremely attracted to a man, or extremely horny, to desire him sexually.
One of the corollaries of this formula is that your weakest link is your bottleneck. If one of the factors is a 0, it doesn't matter if the other two are a 10, the product is still 0.
So which factor is your weakest?
Attractiveness: Do most women find you initially attractive? A full breakdown of male attractiveness is beyond the scope of this letter, but think about your fitness, style, grooming, social skills, and confidence. Are there any obvious weak spots?
Connection: Do you struggle to turn acquaintances into friends? Or do you have a packed social calendar and plenty of close friendships? Connecting with others is an art I hope to break down in the future. It's also, admittedly, my weakest point.
Horniness: Can you sexualize interactions—implicitly or explicitly? I understand horniness as predisposition to sex. Most women will be more predisposed to sex while dancing sensual bachata than while sitting next to you at their grandad's funeral. Dancing, dirty talk, and choosing the right contexts will help on this point.
Remember: we're talking about desire, not logistics.
If the girl at the nightclub last night wouldn't go home with you because she had a boyfriend, that's not necessarily due to a lack of desire. It might simply be due to poor logistics.
When I figured this out, it was a huge “gotcha” moment for me. Hope it’s just as helpful for you. Feel free to let me know your opinion at [email protected], I read every email. Talk to you soon.
—Javi