Most guys find it attractive if a woman has a low body count, especially when considering her for a relationship. But do women have the same preference?
Well, not really. Most women won't care that much about your body count, as long as it's not too low (lack of experience) or too high (risk of STDs, etc.).
If you look closely at the most popular romance movies and novels, a different pattern emerges: women don't care so much about a man's sexual history. Instead, they are attracted to men with a low (ideally zero) "love count."
In other words, they care about how many women you've loved. Just like many men fantasize about taking a woman's sexual virginity, women fantasize about taking a man's emotional virginity.
This is the pattern in most common romantic fantasies targeted towards women:
A man of high status, desired by all women, but emotionally unavailable. Until he meets the female main character (a pretty average girl) and falls head over heels for her.
Look at popular romantic movies. You'll find this pattern in most of them, all the way from Cinderella to Fifty Shades of Grey.
So what can we learn from this?
If your goal is to have a long-term, committed relationship, don't look for it.
Instead, focus on casual dating for now. Become attractive and good at seduction. Enjoy yourself for a while.
After some time playing the field, you'll be much closer to the archetypical man of romantic fantasies: you've been successfully seducing many women, but you've never opened your heart to them.
That turns you into a delightful challenge for the female mind: attractive, preselected, and emotionally unavailable.
Eventually, one of the girls you're casually dating will turn out to be exceptionally attractive and compatible with you. Then, and only then, you seek a long-term relationship with her.
That allows you to keep a high level of attraction from her throughout your relationship. This is crucial to avoid bad or infrequent sex, her cheating on you, and other undesirable situations.
The male brain is designed for sexual jealousy. Men are suspicious about whom a woman has slept with and frequently press their partner on how many times she's previously had sex; most women are savvy enough to round this number down. Likewise, the female brain is designed for emotional jealousy.
Women usually push their partner to reveal how many times he's previously been in love; men are often foolish enough to provide a figure other than zero.
Ultimately, a woman wants to feel that a man loves her, and her alone, unconditionally and forever—and that none of a man's previous women ever rose to anywhere near the same level. This is reflected in romances.
This realization hit me hard when it finally clicked.
In my early twenties, I was living in the UK, where I didn't find many women attractive. On top of that, I was at an all-time low with both my finances and looks.
Naturally, my dating life suffered. I had very few options, so whenever I managed to start a relationship with a woman, I'd quickly get emotionally invested, even when the attraction or connection wasn't that strong. My logic was that since I lacked options, my safest bet was to lock down a long-term relationship.
What I didn't realize is that becoming emotionally invested in a woman too quickly was showing my lack of optionality and therefore making me less attractive to her. This hurt my options even more, creating a self-reinforcing cycle.
Even worse, my focus on finding a committed relationship stopped me from gaining experience in casual dating, which I needed to eventually meet someone extremely attractive and compatible with me.
After diving into female psychology and gender dynamics, this concept finally clicked: I was doing it all wrong and needed to change my approach 180 degrees.
Luckily, by then I had already spent years improving my looks and finances through lots of hard work. That foundation gave me the chance to focus on casual dating. I started dancing salsa and bachata, meeting lots of women, and going out to clubs and social events even if I was seeing someone at the time.
As a result, women began showing much more interest in me. They could sense I had options, and my emotional investment became something they had to earn instead of something they took for granted.
Today, I'm infinitely more satisfied with my dating life. I feel no pressure to settle. I'm enjoying the process, and only when a truly exceptional woman comes along will I even consider a serious relationship.
Feel free to tell me how this goes for you. I read every email at growthovergame.com. I hope you liked this post, talk to you soon.
—Ruben